Rate of Living Up To My Ideal

by Eric Chaet

I’m trying to increase the rate of living up to my ideal
per the amount of time I live.

I’d say “regardless” of whatever interferes—
whether others’ prejudices & behavior or physical obstacles
or my own bad habits, lack of understanding or skills
or unwillingness to concentrate long enough to acquire skills
or to negotiate, despite my feelings, all the way to completion
with insulting people in intermediate authority
or the momentum of my own misguided previous programming—
but I don’t say “regardless”—
I regard it all, everything matters, everything has its effect.

Still, I’m trying to increase the rate of living up to my ideal
per the amount of time I live
per the amount of time I am living, & will live, yet.

I’m trying to imagine the results I wish to have
emerging from the environment as it is now
which I visualize as comprehensively & realistically as possible
& to have the effects I intend to have & none that interfere.

I don’t accept others’ evaluation of my efforts so far
but the results of those efforts are far from satisfying me.

The strong who don’t understand punish the weak who don’t understand
& most attempt to serve the strong as pleasantly as possible
or work themselves to death doing jobs they hate
that make the strong richer & stronger
or enforce the rule of the strong on those who are weaker
confining, torturing, murdering them
convinced that it is those they punish who are disrupting
what would otherwise be the best possible society—

while I vacillate between audacious, against-the-odds attempts
to overthrow, at least, the ideology that traps almost everyone
& scrambling to provide for myself in the present & a sliver of future
without contributing to evil or to the normal madness
or the outbreaks of psychotic violence or individual collapses.

Without surrendering what I do that I believe is correct
however much others laugh at, argue with, or can’t perceive it
I must do what I have never done before
because I couldn’t see how to do it with good results—
I must find a way to do it with good results, & do it
however much it disrupts whatever routines I have established
that soothe my soul in the midst of everything causing it suffering.

I’m trying to increase the rate of living up to my ideal.

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