3.3 Neither Proud Nor Ashamed

by Eric Chaet

I am neither proud nor ashamed
to be a citizen of this nation.
I don’t know where I could do less harm
& more good.

It’s true this nation was built
on the Atlantic slave trade, & dispossession
of tribes that befriended puritans & cavaliers.
I know some think me a puritan, & some think me too cavalier—
but I have never owned a slave, nor dispossessed anyone.

As for liberty, I can’t take credit or blame
for its subjugation in the maze of acquisitiveness,
jostling for advantage, diving for safety.

It’s true that, when a boy,
afraid others would think me girlish,
I treated girls with disdain;
&, later, other girls—tho they’d done no deeds—
distracted me from soil, plow, & seeds.

But many nights, a long time, I paced—
& dare now claim responsibility for decisions that I truly make.

I am neither proud nor ashamed of my ancestors—
prophets & their persecutors—& the indifferent;
bosses & laborers of European estates & factories;
& those who headed for ports,
found ways across the sea, & learned the language,
& found shelters, jobs, & mates.

It’s true sometimes I withheld my participation,
not from principle or strategy,
but just because someone treated me disrespectfully,
or just from sloth, or inability to emerge from anxieties.

I am neither proud nor ashamed
of my life so far, of my name.
I am twirling a stick in the block of wood I’m part of, now—
trying to ignite a new flame, a new engine.
I have finished the book of my life so far, no longer who I was.

It’s not what I expected.
I know more than when I made the plans
that did not have the intended results.
I am neither proud nor ashamed.

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Picture: Sitting Bull